What My 3-Year-Old, Extroverted Boy Taught Me

Dear friends,

It’s fascinating how day by day, things don’t look any different, then all of a sudden, our little boy turned three yesterday.

Kids are like mirrors. They let you see yourself in ways that you might never see otherwise.

And the reflection I can see from my boy is that I am an introvert, as he shows me what natural extroversion looks like.

He gets along with people. He gives hugs and kisses. He socializes and smiles. Strangers on the streets fall in love with him. My friends even remember what he said. The contrast couldn’t be more stark for my daughter. She is more like me. We prefer zooming out, staying quiet on the other side of the table, and watching this little boy run the show.

Introverts & Extroverts

We have a children’s book called Colour Monster: The Feelings Doctor. There is one scene when the Feelings Doctor asks us to rank how we feel on a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being terrible, and 10 being amazing.

My girl will take her time to think this through. She usually scores her mood at a 3 or 4, the highest was a 7. The boy? Without any doubt, he points his finger to a 10. Happy boy!

Of course, it doesn’t necessarily mean we introverts are not “happy”.

We love the feeling of being calm. We are satisfied to have a moment to be with our thoughts. We love the downtime by ourselves, going deep into the rabbit hole, alone.

Being open to conversations, having deep social connections, and being part of a strong network of family and friends all sound wonderful for our well-being. The only problem is that I can get tired of all these interactions. And this is where I realize there is something to learn from my boy.

It blows my mind what he is capable of, and the story usually goes like this: I am with my kids at a park. I am stretching my arms and legs by the bench like a grumpy old man. My daughter is on her solo adventure around the bushes. Guess what the boy is doing?

He is chatting with other kids’ parents!

Isn’t that supposed to be my job? I get a little closer and hear him talking about where he lives, who he is here with, and what he loves the most (fire trucks, trains, and Lightning McQueen). He makes me feel like I have some sort of serious social disorder with that awkward smile on my face.

Time for a change

And I notice a pattern.

He will talk to people for a while whenever there is a chance. Then, out of the blue, he will run off and continue doing his thing. And that’s okay. This might sound surprising to you. But one reason why I don’t often start a conversation is that I don’t know how to end a conversation.

I know I don’t have all the time in the world, and what's fixed in my mind is that we should either get to the bottom of our childhood memories, or we are not talking at all. Yeah, I know that’s pretty bad.

After squaring with my introverted self, I made some changes in the last few months — I signed up for a secret lunch to meet some strangers for the very first time; I volunteered at my girl’s kindergarten to do stuff with other parents; and I reached out to Substack writers in Hong Kong (hey Becky, Kevon, and Sarah!)

I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. And I also tell myself there is nothing wrong with spending a few minutes every day to both start and end a conversation. It’s okay to talk about the things I love. It’s okay to engage with other human beings — I still have the rest of the day to stay in my bubble anyway.

Forgetting the labels

Maybe the notion of being an introvert is more of an illusion.

Yes, I want to feel happy and connected with the people I love the most. I want to express myself. I want to be close to my friends. I want my kids to know I am here for them. None of this can happen if I keep everything inside.

I make the mistake of mixing up my self-identity and my actions. I think I am an introvert. So that I am quiet and I don’t talk a lot about myself, because it feels like I am acting like an extrovert. How wrong was I?

I set these arbitrary rules for myself that are not helping me. I am trapped by these mental labels. Yes, starting a conversation with a stranger doesn’t feel natural and comfortable to me at first. Yes, standing up and speaking in front of a crowd doesn’t feel natural and comfortable to me at first. But it doesn’t mean I couldn’t learn to better communicate with others. And I am lucky to have the best coach waiting for me at home, always ready to show me the art of socializing.

I love how my little boy will always run up to me and give me a big hug when I come home from work. I will laugh and pat his back. I want others to feel this same feeling as well.

Don’t be afraid

With the unfair advantage of being an introvert, I seem to have figured out how to get better at making connections with others all by myself.

I am not talking about making spooky eye contact with strangers in the subway or chitchatting with waiters in the restaurants.

I have identified the moments when I am the most introverted. The moments when I want to hide. The moments when I deliberately avoid making connections. What I am most afraid of is being in a room full of strangers. I want to get out of there right away.

But I noticed that I don’t mind talking to a stranger. What I love is the deep, one-to-one conversations.

So, the answer is easier than I thought. The next time I find myself in that big room, I’ll grab the first person in front of me and start a conversation right there. There is nothing to be afraid of, right?

Happy birthday, kid

After a few decades of practice, I am getting pretty good at keeping my mouth shut. I don’t need to talk for hours, and I feel perfect. But I don’t want to become the Will Smith in I Am Legend either. I want my kids to feel I care about them. I want them to remember that Daddy will talk about his feelings, too.

It becomes clear that we as parents have so much to learn from our kids. And we introverts can always learn a few things from these extroverts.

Until next time.

- Franco

Thanks kid!

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What I am reading:

I’m quitting this weekly creative practice by Becky. So excited for your new chapter working with Ali!

Energy from Matter by J.K. Lund, my inspiration for science, human progress, and optimism.

I only cried once last month by Rish. I missed this from Feburary. Rish has captivated my heart once again with what he did for Bean.