One piece of advice for introverts
Dear friends,
I had a vague impression of what extroversion looks like before my little boy comes along.
The boy shows me what natural extroversion is every day.
He gets along with people.
He gives hugs and kisses.
He socializes and smiles.
He can talk for an extra hour after I read him three books, tuck him in bed, and switch off the light.
Strangers on the streets tend to fall in love with him within the first ten seconds.
A close friend of mine even remembers what he said from a few months back.
It’s magical to watch him ride the wave in life.
The contrast couldn’t be more stark for me.
Recently, my wife and I started discussing our plan to move to a different area as our daughter will start primary school next year.
The first idea that popped into my mind is moving to a remote village close to the forest and a river. Peace and quietness, here we come!
But reality follows soon afterwards. It’s more realistic to live closer to the school, or at least somewhere in the city with good access to public transportation. Needless to say, my mood drops as I am thinking this through with my wife.
One day, rural life, one day.
Being a self-proclaimed introvert doesn’t mean that I want to live in a cave and avoid any kind of social interactions.
I do love spending time with my family and friends, having deep conversations about those big questions in life, and philosophizing between the Stoic way of thinking and Nietzsche’s critique of rationalism.
But every once in a while, the introverted side of me does get into my head and reminds me about the daily frustration of not having the sort of solitude I wanted.
It took me a long time to realize the differences between:
being an introvert and the desire of being alone;
being an introvert and the acceptance of the extroverted side of me; and
being an introvert and being intentional in communicating enough with others, especially my wife, so they can have a pathway to understand who I am.
Okay, I’m glad I get this stuff out of the way.
I remember the feeling of frustration in the past.
I used to believe that being an introvert means I need a lot of time being alone.
I used to believe that if I started behaving more like an extrovert, I was only going against who I am.
I used to believe that I was not the kind of person who likes to speak up and share my thoughts.
As it turned out, I was wrong.
I love spending time with my friends.
I enjoy immersing in the love and laughter with my wife and kids.
I have plenty of things to talk about and share as well.
And the one thing I keep coming back to—and it seems to have worked is to:
Prepare some questions in advance.
Sounds simple enough.
Why I got stuck in the past was because I mistakenly thought I needed to have something to ask, otherwise no one wanted to listen to me.
Well, this doesn’t have to be case. Most people are craving the chance to share their stories, and they love to have someone willing to listen to them.
Introverts are natural listeners.
Whenever I find myself in an awkward situation with a stranger, someone I have met before but barely know at work, or another parent from my kids’ school, I will start asking questions like:
Hey, how are you?
How are you, really?
Where did you grow up?
What brought you here?
Can you tell me more about that?
Just imagine for a sec, how would your life turn out differently if you made a different decision?
What’s the one place you want to travel to but you haven’t yet?
What does living a good life mean to you?
Time and time again, this works like magic.
The conversations flow naturally with the questions I ask.
While I don’t enjoy saying too much, I genuinely love listening to what people want to say.
I’m grateful to find my way out.
And the best part?
When I meet someone who asks me some beautifully crafted, intentional questions, I know where they are coming from.
Until next time.
- Franco